through the darkest night
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: Sam has scars that run deeper than the physical ones, and Cas can't heal all wounds. Tag to 12x02, Mamma Mia.


**A/N: It's been a long time in coming, but here is the tag to Mamma Mia I've been planning for a while! I think we can all agree that episode disappointed on many levels. I mean, Sam cannot go from being physically and mentally tortured to A-Okay in a matter of hours. I get that Cas healed him, but he'll still have all the mental scars. He was forced to relive his loved ones' deaths over and over, and mind-raped. And never, not once, did neither Mary nor Dean ask if he was okay. Alright, rant over.**

 **Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts, rape and mild swearing**

* * *

The nightmares returned that night.

Maybe it was because the only rest he got was when he was passed out from pain, or because he had felt so numb inside, but Sam hadn't dreamt since they'd saved the world and he had been captured. Being back in the Bunker, knowing Dean was alive - and his mother too - had tripped a switch in Sam's brain, allowing the nightmares to invade his sleep again.

* * *

 _"Hey baby."_

 _Sam spun. Jessica stood next to him in the nightgown she'd died in, as beautiful as he remembered._

 _"Jessica," he rasped. "I'm sorry, I-"_

 _Her pale face twisted into a cruel smirk. "You don't get to apologise, Sam." Something flashed in her eyes and she burst into flame, the heat searing Sam as he staggered back._

 _"NO!" he screamed. "NO, JESS!" A warm body slammed into him from behind, knocking him flat. Dean towered over him, his face bloodied and bruised the way it had been before Sam had jumped into the Cage at Stull._

 _"It's YOUR FAULT!" Dean roared, pushed Sam. "YOU DID THIS TO ME! TO ALL OF US!" He raised his arms and Sam watched in horror as more figures emerged before him. Empty, burned sockets stood in place as Kevin's eyes from when Gadreel had used Sam's body to kill him. A bloody wound stained Charlie's shirt across her abdomen and there was a bullet hole right above Madison's heart. There were others too: Sarah, Bobby, Ellen, Jo. Their voices blurred together in a chorus of accusations and they crowded in, pushing and jostling Sam between them._

 _"No!" he begged, but his pleas were drowned out by his dead friends. "No, I'm sorry. Dean, please." Sam wept and pleaded, but the torment went on._

It's your fault.

We're dead because of you.

You could have saved us.

You're nothing.

You're nothing.

You're nothing.

 _Sam took a shuddering breath. "You're right," he whispered. "You're right."_

* * *

"Sam! Sammy! Wake up, man!"

Sam shot upright, breathing heavily. Dean's concerned face loomed above him and he lurched back in a panic.

"Woah, calm down, Sam, it's me," Dean exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "What's up with you?"

Sam swallowed a few times as he tried to get his breathing back under control. Almost without knowing, he grabbed his left hand in his right and pressed down hard. Cas had long since healed the scar, but the familiar pressure that assured him that this was, in fact, real still gave him some comfort. He saw Dean's eyes narrow at the gesture and tried to wave away his brother's concerns. "I'm fine, Dean. It's nothing; you can go back to sleep."

"Bull." Dean swung a chair round and sat next to Sam, glaring at him. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing," Sam retorted defensively.

"Just stop it, will you? Dude, we could hear you the other side of the Bunker."

"It was just a nightmare, Dean. It's not exactly a rare occurrence in our job."

Dean sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. "You were yelling out for Jessica, Sam. That was eleven years ago, I thought all that had ended."

"Yeah, so did I," Sam muttered.

"Look, there's obviously something going on that you're not telling me, and don't you dare say that you're okay because you're not. I know that British bitch tortured you, but-"

"She didn't just torture me, Dean," Sam quietly admitted.

"What?"

"I mean, yeah she did the whole thing with the blowtorch and the water, but that wasn't all. I think she realised that she wasn't going to break me by physically hurting me; Lucifer's done worse than she can even imagine. I don't really know what happened but while I was passed out she must have drugged me with something. It made me see things, Dean." Sam's voice cracked and he pressed his hands to his eyes to stop himself from crying. He heard Dean's sharp intake of breath from beside him.

"That bitch. Sam, what did she make you see?"

"You."

"Me?"

"And Jess," he amended. "And Kevin, Sarah, Mom, even Meg. I had to watch you die over and over and I could hear your voices in my head telling me it was my fault that you were dead, that Jess was dead. You told me to die. And, you know what, Dean? I almost did. I thought you were dead and I was alone so I smashed that mirror and I thought that it would be better for everyone if I just cut my throat there and then."

"Sam..."

Sam laughed mirthlessly. "I tried to escape. Not so easy on two gimp legs. I don't know what happened after that. She said she used some spell on me that made me hallucinate things." He shuddered. "I don't- I don't really want to talk about it, Dean."

"Well, tough. Sam, you don't get to bring these things up and not tell me the whole truth. Look, whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"You don't get it Dean!" Sam burst out, his voice rising. "You want to know? Fine. She made me believe that I fucking had sex with her just to get me to talk. And I enjoyed it. I know none of it happened, not really, but I still hate myself for it. I almost told her everything, just because she gave me a good time in a fucking dream. Tell me how that isn't bad."

"She can't do that," Dean hissed. "She can't do that and get away with it."

"Uh, yes she can."

"No, Sam, you're the one not getting it here. She freaking mind-raped you. I don't care that it was a hallucination, hell, that makes it worse. I know you. You wouldn't do that, not if you were aware."

Sam made a non-committal grunt and turned his head up towards the ceiling. He blinked and suddenly all he could see was Jessica, screaming, burning, dying. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists together, relishing in the sharp pain where his fingernails dug into the soft flesh of his palm.

"Hey!" Dean chastised, grabbing Sam's hands. "Stop that." He sighed. "Sam... I know this is hard and I swear I'm going to hunt down and kill those bastards for what they did to you, but we need to focus on now. Mom's back, we got you out, the world didn't end. Everything's going to be okay."

"Yeah," Sam said, unconvinced. He smiled tiredly up at Dean. "Still love chick flicks, then?"

"Shut up," Dean grumbled, pulling Sam towards him. Sam tensed up for a moment before melting into the hug, gripping his brother's jacket tightly. He was still hurting, hell, they all were, but maybe, just maybe, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel once more.

* * *

 **A/N: Well, I hope you guys enjoyed that. I'm not sure how it turned out in the end, or if I like it at all, but I hope it made up in some small way for the disappointment of 12x02. Let me know your thoughts in a review. Bye!**


End file.
